My self-imposed new year’s resolution based mission to pun every day through 2010 continues apace. Only eight more months to go…
1st-30th April 2010:
Went to get petrol yesterday. …Not really, I’m going today! April fuel.
Ancient Greek etiquette: always say polis and phalanx
Zombie Mussolini… what the duce?
Ever since I drank the last of her fresh orange juice, relations with my girlfriend have been cordial at best.
Measured out a portion of pasta, but might as well finish the whole bag. In for a penne…
Just heard that the Queen’s dissolved Parliament. Don’t worry – if we ever need it again she can just evaporate off the water.
Deliberately exposing endangered birds to diseases is illeagle. Even ones that only affect the talons are against the claw.
If chocolate could scream, would we eat so much of it? We might if it was only a wispa.
“Finally told my girlfriend the news about how much I’d spent on a TV/fridge combo.” “How was it?” “It got a frosty reception.”
Someone’s run off with my condiments, but thanks to a tip-off from an anonymous sauce I still might be able to ketchup.
Don’t worry if you have a crush on an open door. It’s easy to get entranced and is something that most of us have gone through.
Wasn’t sure if my in-character DeForest Kelley autograph was fake. Don’t worry, I’ve checked and it’s the real McCoy.
Noel Fielding and Julian Barrett can’t stop laughing at my small savoury appetiser. Amuse-bouche, innit.
He got hit so hard he flew across the border and landed in Texas. He’s in a right state now.
It was a bad idea to wear the 1950s Buddy Holly glasses he realised retrospectively.
Made a fortune investing in gravy on the stock exchange. Now I’m a bouillonaire.
During this bad weather, my pets are in charge. It’s reigning cats and dogs.
Addicted to docking my boat. It’s very moorish.
An angry rhotacist drove up to me, painted my face blue and charged me a fiver. Never thought I’d suffer from woad wage.
Ever play whist with musical instruments? If your opponent’s hand is winning, you’ll need to trumpet.
Too much booze and I end up moaning about old grievances – I just can’t resist a vintage whine.
St. George, patron saint of user interface design (he invented dragon-drop).
I’ve been asked to use 100 famous phrases a day. Who doesn’t love a quota?
Whitney Houston is launching a range of neutral coloured egg-shaped hand coverings. They’re the grayest glove oval.
Sadly, my business selling advice to Americans doesn’t make a lot of cents.
They say he was killed by a male goose trained by MI5. The government blame a rogue swan, but I know propaganda when I see it.
Will Smith and Martin Lawrence float around in the sea fighting crime in new action film Bad Buoys.
The ThunderCats are designing me a new kitchen, but I’m not very confident about Lino.