Three months of #punliners and still not missed a day. Definitely the longest I’ve ever stuck to a New Year’s resolution.  It helps that it’s a very silly one.

1st – 31st March 2010:

My pride may never be this wounded again, and I’m not even that old! Guess I piqued too soon.

There’s been another murder: the victim was battered to death with a melted clock. Must be the work of a surreal killer.

Started a campaign encouraging tourism to the South-West coast. Not got many members yet, possibly as no celebrities in Dorset.

God Save The Queen(‘s English):

At some point, most light criminals will have passed through the prism system.

Went to see a variety show where the acts came on without being introduced. It was beyond compere.

Bought a rubbish guitar as I couldn’t pick a good one.

Saw my mate stir frying on a glacier, I thought, “You’re woking on thin ice.”

“Are there any local singing groups I can join?”, he gently in-choired.

Tried embroidering some jokes on a cushion cover, but it wasn’t the right material.

Pirate with a very, very thin wooden leg: Long John Sliver.

Onions love each other shallot.

“I AM going to prison,” he said with conviction.

The foreman’s insistence that his crane crew all wear Medieval coats was to be his undoing – hoisted by his own tabard.

Just found out I’m getting my own herd of well-trained African antelope. No gnus like good gnus.

Depressed teenage witches have problems self-charming.

Stole a case of goldschläger and now I’m full of gilt.

What do David Irving and opaque tights have in common? They’re both big deniers.

Got my hand stuck in a NES. It broke. Inconsolable.

She got engaged for money, not love. He was her financé.

He apologised for his chronic fear of travelling above ground in abasement.

I was in the middle of robbing the bakery when the police arrived. Caught, bread handed.

Eating lots of thin bent wire at the moment. It’s my staple diet.

“Something tells me we’re getting close to Notre Dame.” “Oh yes?” “Just a hunch.”

Keep catching my friend sucking light bulbs. He might be a lampire.

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s getting married and the music as he walks down the aisle be Bach.

Someone hit me with a bottle of dry champagne, savage brut.

Adult breakfast: Kellogg’s Barley Legal Corn Stars

“I’m getting married at Abbey Road studios.” “Maida Vale?” “No, it came with the dress.”

Trying to have a relaxing walk in the park, but this oversized picnic basket is really hampering me.