Happy June!

To celebrate, I’ll be posting all of May’s #punliners, archived for future generations to dismiss as a waste of everybody’s time.

1st – 31st May 2010

Dendrophiliac witches go to Coventry.

Criminal words should be sentenced.

Earlier I was wondering if I might be a vampire but, on reflection, realised I’m not.

A wave of love for all humanity suddenly washed over her. Her jaw dropped, agape.

Our most treasured family heirloom is a magic lamp. Wish I could trace where it came from, but I’m no genieologist.

She got a phone call about her brother as soon as his kidney problems flared up again. Hurrah for dial-a-sis machines.

Light Brigade Batteries: Always Charging

Bedlam Lip Care: Totally Balmy

MENSA commandos: Swot Team

Just joined an organisation that keeps you fit by running alongside queues, staring at the people in them. I love wait-watchers.

Prehistoric rivers are meanderthals.

Trying to write a sentence praising the government’s new VAT increase on immoral goods, but I’ve got issues with the syntax.

Burned my tongue on a cup of Earl Grey, then recorded and autotuned my scream. For all you fans of tea pain.

Everyone knows about this mysterious rodent – he’s fey mouse.

Sending in my application to get approval for a new haircut. Getting a permit would be nice.

Your sickly textile factory workers may be productive, but can you live with your ill cotton gains?

There’s a hole in my sock, darn it!

Finding a decent corset in Spain is difficult because of all the basque separatists.

My backpacking travel agency has just been the victim of a hostel takeover.

Mythological creatures craving an adventure holiday go to Centaur Parks.

Spending ALL DAY in a gruelling semaphore class and already starting to flag.

I’ve invented a fabric that predicts the future; Nostradamask.

My German sausage business has gone from bad to wurst.

I’m often asked to assess the quality of people’s luggage and I try to judge it on a case by case basis.

Wanted to buy a discount boat, but I couldn’t find a decent sail price.

Dating a jug of water; she’s pretty as a pitcher.

That’s the best sushi place I’ve ever bento.

WHAT! My neighbour plans to drill lots of tiny holes through the wooden barrier between our gardens! Frankly, it’s a fence sieve.

There are only so many Mattel dolls I can grill at once, hence the need for a barbie queue.

Criminal knights must be brought to joustice.

When called to resign from the district school board after another super glue incident, he refused, sticking to his principals.