The #punliners continue. Here’s July’s batch:
1st-31st July
Making a stew out of corpse meat is, when you think about it, quite goulash behaviour.
He misplaced his mother’s collection of chimes and never quite got over it. Such a shame to lose one’s ma bells.
My mate who breeds large rabbits fought off some thieves who were trying to airlift them away – hare raising stuff!
I couldn’t decide whether to get a job in the north or south, so I went and spoke to my koreas advisor.
Sir Boris would be a living knight mayor.
My gym’s started offering discount memberships to ghosts, but they still don’t seem keen on exorcising.
Learning about atomic structure (my teacher’s a bit of a Bohr).
Just fixed my blender – hip hip purée!
Getting close to creating a forest of loose-fitting provocative dresses with my chemise-tree set.
Old Macdonald needed some help finding the right medication for his livestock, so he went to the farm assist.
New training initiative: England squad sings eleven-part harmonies during matches. Quite hard though, esp. if the pitch is dodgy.
Am I secretly an Olympic athlete who’s really good at throwing things? Sorry, I can’t discus that.
My mother’s sister runs a business bringing top-secret luxury goods into the country. All I know is that she’s import aunt.
Working out the national average shoe size was no mean feet.
“Just bought a car with a belly button.” “Is it an innie or an Audi?”
I think there’s some truth to the minotaur legend. But about half is definitely bull.
Looking back, the most stressful part of my graduation ceremony (BSc Torture) was the mortarboarding.
SUMMER TIP: Put tea leaves on your face when sunbathing for the best tannin experience.
Used to be employed by the Round Table, but now I joust for charity. It’s much better going freelance.
I wanted to ask some bees to share their honey with me, but you know how stingy they are.
Just saw some medieval jesters sailing along the Thames, rocking out to “Dr. Feelgood”. Quite the motley crew.
I defeated the criminal mastermind (and former henchman) using only a thin, light sheet of metal; alumni-minion foil!
Beethoven, Mozart, Bach. These great musicians don’t die, they just decompose.
Was asked to teach English at Wormwood Scrubs. Currently weighing up prose and cons.
Every week my mum used to dip me in paint and make me do the hoovering: “For getting carpets clean, nothing beats a dye son!”
I keep checking my bank balance online hoping it’ll go up – definitely a problem with my cache.
Started playing monopoly with my pheasant and partridge mates, but unsurprisingly they lost interest quickly. Stupid bored game.
David Mitchell and Robert Webb star as a 17th century diarist and talking pig forced to cohabit in new sitcom Pepys Sow.
Bought a parachute embellished with some gathered lace before I went base-jumping today. Such is the life of a frill seeker.
“I can’t get the petroleum out of this deep hole – it’s being blocked by all those hives.” “Well oil bee dammed!”
Aladdin electrocuted his father-in-law by feeding him a packet of duracell – a classic case of a sultan battery.
