Well, unless something drastic goes wrong in the next two months, it looks like I might actually complete my first ever New Year’s resolution (yay!). I better start thinking about next year’s now… do I go for something equally as silly (more puns?), or for something that would genuinely make me a better person (join a gym?).
…I’m betting the former. Here’s October’s #punliners:
1st-31st October
Use quality wool and only knit items for people who will appreciate it – don’t cast your purls before twine.
Aren’t you worried you’ll get caught shoplifting those kitchen utensils? You’re taking an awfully big whisk.
Someone ate my cheesy crisps. Bit suspicious as when I asked my grandad he paused before answering in a quavery voice.
Aqua diem: seas the day
My friend runs a U2 fan site and is looking for some legal advice. Can anyone help? (Ideally pro Bono)
Primitive clowns used to hit each other with human arm bones. They thought it was humerus.
“Where’s Sarah Palin from?” “Alaska.” “Let me know what she says.”
Just saw a pic of Jeff Goldblum from 1986. He looks fly!
“Went to the theatre and one of the employees looks just like a US R&B superstar.” “Usher?” “No, he works behind the bar.”
A bald thug just unravelled my knitting, coiled up the yarn and left. I hate skeinheads.
In my script for Star Wars VII the characters battle their own clones. And the story’s not just for kids – it’s got many Leias.
“That girl’s tuxedo is covered in hair.” “Hirsute.” “No, I think it’s rented.”
I called my girlfriend a tart. She called me custard. It’s a stupid argument – we should just quiche and make up.
Druid police enforce the lore.
I always get funny looks when I show people my split-level tepee. I’m now completely comfortable with the in-tent’s stairs.
My conjoined twin experiment has definitely gone pair-shaped.
I can’t stop greeting people over and over again and I think it’s making me ill. Could be a hi fever.
For a countryside hike wear something practical rather than fashionable, as it’s hard to stay on top of all the different stiles.
I tried to explain my innocence – I was at home in a North London suburb at the time – but I couldn’t get averred in Edgware!
“Your pet stag’s been shot – don’t you have any sympathy?!” “Yeah, my hart bleeds.”
Life for Oompa-Loompas is hard if you’re not born into The Chocolate Factory, but I managed to pull myself out of the gateaux.
Listen up all you cowboy fonts! There’s a new serif in town. And it’s no use hiding behind a pseudonym – he’s anti-alias.
Arrested for treason after showing tourists the different platters used to serve the Queen – quite the notorious tray tour.
My lungs have overlapped and I’m having trouble breathing where they intersect. X-rays show I’m suffering from a Venn diaphragm.
The Royal Mint claim to have invented a coin that’s completely unflippable. Personally, I can’t make heads or tails of it.
I went in for a filling and ended up blind after being confused with another patient – a classic case of mistaken eye-dentistry.
A monk grabbed a fresh-baked roll straight out of the oven and it somehow sliced him in half. A real bap-schism of friar.
A man got taken to hospital today after hitting his head on Big Ben. I don’t know his name, but his face rang a bell.
I’ve invented a small, man-shaped device that hands out free newspapers at regular intervals: the Metrognome.
“Come to my Morris Dancing party.” “I’ll be there with bells on!”
Why won’t you listen to my plan to use decayed vegetation from wetlands as a source of energy? For peat’s sake!