Well, unless something drastic goes wrong in the next two months, it looks like I might actually complete my first ever New Year’s resolution (yay!). I better start thinking about next year’s now… do I go for something equally as silly (more puns?), or for something that would genuinely make me a better person (join a gym?).
…I’m betting the former. Here’s October’s #punliners:
1st-31st October
Use quality wool and only knit items for people who will appreciate it – don’t cast your purls before twine.
Aren’t you worried you’ll get caught shoplifting those kitchen utensils? You’re taking an awfully big whisk.
Someone ate my cheesy crisps. Bit suspicious as when I asked my grandad he paused before answering in a quavery voice.
Aqua diem: seas the day
My friend runs a U2 fan site and is looking for some legal advice. Can anyone help? (Ideally pro Bono)
Primitive clowns used to hit each other with human arm bones. They thought it was humerus.
“Where’s Sarah Palin from?” “Alaska.” “Let me know what she says.”
Just saw a pic of Jeff Goldblum from 1986. He looks fly!
“Went to the theatre and one of the employees looks just like a US R&B superstar.” “Usher?” “No, he works behind the bar.”
A bald thug just unravelled my knitting, coiled up the yarn and left. I hate skeinheads.
In my script for Star Wars VII the characters battle their own clones. And the story’s not just for kids – it’s got many Leias.
“That girl’s tuxedo is covered in hair.” “Hirsute.” “No, I think it’s rented.”
I called my girlfriend a tart. She called me custard. It’s a stupid argument – we should just quiche and make up.
Druid police enforce the lore.
I always get funny looks when I show people my split-level tepee. I’m now completely comfortable with the in-tent’s stairs.
My conjoined twin experiment has definitely gone pair-shaped.
I can’t stop greeting people over and over again and I think it’s making me ill. Could be a hi fever.
For a countryside hike wear something practical rather than fashionable, as it’s hard to stay on top of all the different stiles.
I tried to explain my innocence – I was at home in a North London suburb at the time – but I couldn’t get averred in Edgware!
“Your pet stag’s been shot – don’t you have any sympathy?!” “Yeah, my hart bleeds.”
Life for Oompa-Loompas is hard if you’re not born into The Chocolate Factory, but I managed to pull myself out of the gateaux.
Listen up all you cowboy fonts! There’s a new serif in town. And it’s no use hiding behind a pseudonym – he’s anti-alias.
Arrested for treason after showing tourists the different platters used to serve the Queen – quite the notorious tray tour.
My lungs have overlapped and I’m having trouble breathing where they intersect. X-rays show I’m suffering from a Venn diaphragm.
The Royal Mint claim to have invented a coin that’s completely unflippable. Personally, I can’t make heads or tails of it.
I went in for a filling and ended up blind after being confused with another patient – a classic case of mistaken eye-dentistry.
A monk grabbed a fresh-baked roll straight out of the oven and it somehow sliced him in half. A real bap-schism of friar.
A man got taken to hospital today after hitting his head on Big Ben. I don’t know his name, but his face rang a bell.
I’ve invented a small, man-shaped device that hands out free newspapers at regular intervals: the Metrognome.
“Come to my Morris Dancing party.” “I’ll be there with bells on!”
Why won’t you listen to my plan to use decayed vegetation from wetlands as a source of energy? For peat’s sake!
Yesterday was the third GameCamp event, and the first ever BoardGameCamp. 150 people descended on Richmond to make, talk about and play board games. At most conferences I’ve been to, speakers are announced in advance, don’t change, and don’t allow audience involvement beyond a token, “Any questions?”
Oooh, branded.
This was not like that.
As soon as I arrived (a little after 9am) one of the organisers dashed over to me: “Have you got your dice yet?!”, thrust two in my hand and dashed away again.
Easily the nicest, best quality dice I have ever owned. And that is not a sentence I ever expected to type.
After some breakfast, coffee and general milling around in bewilderment that so many of us were awake so early on a Saturday, @greenburger kicked the day off with a welcome to Whittaker House (eBay, Paypal and Gumtree’s HQ). @Trippenbach followed on with a cracking speech on why we play, before @JamesWallis explained the day in more detail.
There were three options, and we could spend as much or as little time as we liked on each:
Make: The GameHack competition. Form a team, make a boardgame, win an incredible prize.
Talk: Host a talk on whatever you like, or join someone else’s.
Play: Check a game out of the lending library of 91 (!) rare, unusual and brilliant boardgames. Then play it.
Despite immediately realising that there wouldn’t be enough time to do everything justice, here’s what happened when I tried.
1) Make (GameHack)
The brief: Design a boardgame to fit on one side of the Cadbury’s Christmas medium sized selection box lid. No additional playing pieces or paper can be included. It has to be competitive, suitable for ages 5-12 and playable by 2-5 players.
The prize: Subject to Cadbury’s approval, your game is printed on the Christmas medium sized selection box, and you’re credited by name. The box has an approx. circulation of NINE MILLION (yes, really). You also win a load of chocolate.
Needless to say, there was a LOT of interest. Here’s our team, getting stuck in:
We didn’t enter anything in the end, partly because we had too many people in our team, partly because it was really hard, but mostly because it was difficult to resist the siren call of 91 boardgames saying, “Play us… play us…”
Though maybe that last bit was just in my head.
2) Talk
What with all the time spent sort-of-but-not-really designing a game, and my desperate hunger to play as many unusual games as possible, I only managed to make it to one of the talks on offer: an introduction to ancient Egyptian boardgames (particularly Senet) from Egyptologist Margaret Maitland (@eloquentpeasant).
It was great!
Turns out boardgames are over 8000 years old and even predate writing. Games and gaming are at the heart of our civilisation and what it is to be human.
Photo by Deror_avi (http://is.gd/fUQCa)
Senet itself managed to survive relatively unchanged from around 3100 BC to the first century AD (difficult to imagine Cluedo having the same staying power), and Margaret attributes this in large part to the cultural attitude of the ancient Egyptians towards any sort of change (namely, it’s bad).
The game is played over 30 squares and is similar in some ways to backgammon in that moves can be divided up between your pieces, you want to try and block your opponent’s pieces, etc.
What I found most interesting was how the game was originally created purely as a mechanic – pieces and squares were only minimally descriptive (if you land on the ‘good’ square you get a point; if you land on the ‘bad’ square you’re set back). Over time though, a narrative was developed on top of the mechanic in order to give it more meaning, based on around the Egyptians’ biggest fear: death.
Now the game had a story. You were the sun god Ra, journeying through the underworld and battling dangers in order that you could be reborn at dawn and the sun would rise again. The squares on the board were re-labelled to reflect different deities and dangers. No longer was it simply the glyph for ‘bad’, now the square had the glyph for ‘water’ on it and if you landed on it you ‘drowned’!
As yet more time passed, the game’s story even began moving back the other way: from being inspired by religion to actively influencing it. Senet became an analogy for what the gods themselves were doing. It wasn’t alone – an older game Mehen (where the board was shaped like a snake), despite having died out as a game centuries before, somehow endured in the collective consciousness to the point where a new snake god eventually entered the Egyptian pantheon. His name? Mehen. His role? Protecting Ra as he journeyed through the underworld, linking right back up to Senet!
The other interesting takeaway that sparked a great discussion afterwards was all about ancient games and rules. Once you unearth the board and playing pieces from a 5000 year old game, how do you figure out what the rules were? In the case of Senet, apparently Egytologists have managed to roughly piece together how to play it based on carvings in tombs and all manner of snippets from secondary sources. But for Mehen, there’s almost no idea how the game was played, apart from that it probably involved ‘capturing’ pieces.
Made me wonder what kind of alternative rule-sets might be developed if you gave someone only the board and pieces to a modern game they’d never seen before. Can you reverse engineer Monopoly from just seeing the playing pieces (doubtful)? Could it lead to an even better game (probably)? What rules would someone come up with if you combined bits and pieces from different games and told them it was all from one game? How will THE FUTURE look back on today’s board games?
Lots of food for thought and big thanks to Margaret for such an excellent talk.
3) Play
As soon as I saw the massive stash of games in the lending library (91!) I realised that my board game education had been sorely lacking. All my life I’d been eating the equivalent of steak and chips with salad (Risk and Chess with Scrabble) which, though very tasty, is far from a varied diet.
It was high time to expand my palate with the sushi, fajitas and stir fry of the boardgame world! (This food analogy is getting a bit laboured, move on – ED.)
Dixit
Easily the breakout hit of BoardGameCamp. By the end, everyone was talking about it. And with good reason – it’s ace.
Photo by http://flickr.com/yashima/
I won’t go into too much detail on the rules, but in essence it’s a game of descriptive bluff where you need to be cryptic, but not too cryptic, in describing the image on a card. (More detail on the rules at boardgamegeek.)
What I personally loved about it was that the deck of cards you play with are so beautifully designed. In order for the game to work, each image has had to be drawn in such a way that it has a superficial description as well as the potential to be described in a more abstract way: as an emotion, pop culture reference, song, idea, colour, whatever!
Just as with lego you can build what’s on the box, and then go on to combine the blocks in a loads of different ways, so too while playing Dixit I was thinking of what else I’d want to do with the cards. Maybe a story game, where each player is dealt a hand and has to come up with a narrative linking them up? Or using them in brainstorms to come up with plots or characters? Or as inspiration for the colour palette of a website? Lots and lots of possibilities.
Not only did Dixit fire up my imagination, it was also a blast to play (even though I came last). Can’t recommend it highly enough and it was the perfect game to start with.
Infinite City
Photo by http://flickr.com/julietteculver/
There were five of us playing this tile-and-peg based game, and we began cavalierly placing tiles with little regard for strategy (the game was new to us all).
However, Infinite City has a deceptively shallow learning curve and it wasn’t long before it all become rather competitive.
It took about an hour to finish and, if there hadn’t been other games we wanted to try, a re-match would have been inevitable.
“We’re about to play an animal noises game, want to join us?”
Photo by http://flickr.com/iamthebestartist/
How could I refuse an invitation like that? I sat down, and was promptly given a small plastic barn and a cute plastic animal to put inside it.
Essentially it’s a glorified game of Snap, played with pictures of animals, rather than a standard deck of cards.
The twist is that rather than shouting ‘Snap’, you have to make the noise of the animal of your opponent which, given that their animal is hidden in a barn, means you need to remember what everyone’s animal is, and their corresponding animal noise.
Quite a simple idea, but surprisingly difficult and very hilarious.
No sooner had we finished Snorta when we were kindly asked if we’d mind playtesting the new games that had been put together for GameHack.
My game involved players performing challenges (tell a joke, recite your name backwards) in order to win the right to ask yes/no questions to locate a missing mince pie.
While we played, the official judges (including Graham Linehan and Andrew from @TerrorBullGames) came to each table to find out more about the games, and then went off to confer and pick the winner.
Sadly, the mince pie game didn’t win, but big congratulations to team Chocolate Drop, who walked away with the glory (and several kilograms of Cadbury’s finest).
Catacombs
I had just enough time to play one more quick game before the end.
Catacombs is a very recent game (from 2010!) that uses a classic fantasy setting with dungeons and monsters and heroes. The twist is that rather than using dice to decide combat, you have to use your finger to flick your heroes into the monsters to kill them. Archers flick slightly smaller circles at enemies and wizards can flick fireballs and the like. It’s very addictive, very fast paced (at least the way we played) and very, very fun.
Along with Dixit, Catacombs is definitely straight onto my to-buy list.
I didn’t catch the name of the chap who brought it along, but whoever you are – thanks! One of my highlights of the day.
Afterwards most of us decamped to the pub where conversations (and some games!) continued apace. I ended up with several additional tips for games to look up next:
Apples to Apples (tip off from @JamesWallis): Apparently, if you like Dixit you’ll like this.
Dread (tip off from @Glinner): Horror role playing with a jenga tower adding real life tension. If it collapses on your go, your character dies!
Settlers of Catan (tip off from EVERYONE IN THE WORLD): Seems to be, in essence, a much better version of monopoly for people who hate monopoly.
I know I’ve missed loads of stuff, so if you were there and played anything else particularly amazing, please let me know!
Nine months down, three months to go. If I were biologically better equipped I could have made a baby in this time. Instead, all I’ve done is make a couple of friends groan, shake their heads and comment, “Tenuous, Trevor. Very tenuous.”
1st-30th September
Listening to song covers performed by high ranking noblemen on my dukebox.
Stabbed by a black and white checked knife – it’s left a ska.
Uncontrollable quacking isn’t a disease, it’s a mallardy.
My friend made a fortune investing in Magners and Strongbow shares – think there may have been some in cider trading.
“If I keep eating all these cereal grains apparently it won’t be long before I turn into one!” he said with a rye smile.
While interviewing for someone to help me maintain my stately homes, I was accidentally rude. They told me to mind my manors.
Saw REM setting up a circular domed tent with a hole in the roof. I guess everybody yurts sometimes.
Whenever the subject of his clipped wings came up, Freddie Falcon would fall silent – clearly it was still a soar subject.
Saw a big amphibious reptile running a branch of Costco. Thought it was an aggregator, but turned out to be a stockodile.
Drunk musicians play champagne flutes.
“It’s like lactose intolerance.” “Is that an allergy?” “No, it’s a simile.”
Dropped a ream of semi-transparent paper in the ocean and it sank without a trace.
“Is it your turn to spin the helicopter blades?” “Err, let me check the rota.”
This guy phoned up saying he’s a qualified, respected teacher and could train me to be a ninja, but I think it’s non-sensei-call.
As a child I hoped to understand the collective unconscious and achieve self realisation. Now I’ve given up on my Jung dreams.
Orchestra + thunderstorm + open air copper stadium = bad idea. The maestro’s silver baton only made it worse; a lethal conductor.
My friend reckoned he could run up a moving staircase the fastest. I disagreed violently and things only escalated from there.
“Billy the Kid just rode into town and fell off his horse.” “Stirrup trouble?” “Not yet, but give him half a chance.”
Sauron’s handbag was taken in by Middle-Earth police as part of an ongoing investigation. It’s an accessory to Mordor.
I pretended that my friend could speak to his mates through me, but he said he’s had enough of my phone-y behaviour.
When grieving I spend a lot of time under canvas canopies. I know it seems strange, but what can I say? I’m awning.
When I arrived a guy in a red shirt offered to park my car. He drove it into a canyon. That’s the last time I use valley parking.
The costumes for one of the most glam West End musicals arrived via container ship today. I love chic cargo.
I knew as I stole Death’s pillow there’d be reaper cushions.
The Michael Jackson vegetable diet: “Just Beet It”
The kid from Home Alone now works making boats watertight by sealing their lumber with parrot droppings. He’s macaw-ly caulking.
Is that owl plotting with some 13th century Peruvians? Yes, it’s Inca hoots.
“I met an ocean today.” “Pacific was it?” “Quite violent actually.”
Made too much sauce for dessert, so my mate Rev. Spooner brought his mongrel dog round to help. He really mutts the custard!
I once fell out with my parents after accidentally flooding their card game mid-bid, but it’s all water under the bridge now.
It’s the start of September! I’m two thirds of the way through my year long pun-a-thon (can you tell I’m counting down the days?). Here’s what happened in August:
1st-31st August
Two ladies are fighting over a precious gem. From the way their rapiers are flashing it looks like it may be a deadly jewel.
My university tutors always stared a bit too long at the female students in the lecher theatre.
“I plan to have gruesome pumpkins for Halloween.” “I tried that last year, but had to dig up the herb garden to make room.”
Launched a website that compares you to the main character in Legally Blonde – lots of people are visiting the You Are Elle.
Architects don’t like to draw attention to their floors.
A vengeful ex threw fried potato at my nautical-themed home, damaging the entrance. Talk about having a chip on your shoal door.
Working at the local pub, Sister Beatrice quickly became employee of the month – easily the best bar nun.
As soon as I walked into the pub I knew it wouldn’t be a pleasant place to spend the night. How? Inn stinked.
A German discount supermarket chain now sells pack animals for food. What’s your stance on this more Aldi llama?
Went to a Gaelic dance on a remote farm where the caller played a tiny four-stringed guitar. Who doesn’t love a yokel céilidh?
Some say he likes girls who play with fire. Others say he likes girls with dragon tattoos. All we know is he’s called The Stieg.
An irate Barbie kicked Ken right in his neither regions.
Larry and Moe loved their Plato and Socrates costumes, but Curly wasn’t fooled for a second: “Wise guise, eh?”
“On a recent trip to the fjords I found a frozen Norse god trapped in a glacier.” “Thor?” “Maybe in spring.”
Recently I drove along the roads near where I grew up – it’s important to remember your routes.
I asked the wainwright if it was time to reinforce the wheel, but I spoke too soon.
While living in Germany I developed a phobia of the number 4. Sometimes I’m overwhelmed by vier.
I find untamed nature confusing. Bewilderness is hard.
Being yeast must pay well – was chatting to some the other day and found out they’re rolling in dough and due for a raise.
My time travelling friend is always living in the future and the past. For his birthday I got him a brand new present.
I’ve made a new kind of rough fabric out of deer hide and want to name it after you, my love. It’s a hart felt gesture.
The army once tried camoflaging infantry as priests. I managed to pick up one of the uniforms at a military surplice store.
Since arriving from Rome in early Autumn, Julius failed to make many friends at his new school – he came, he saw, he conkered.
I’ve been driving Stephen King’s books everywhere for months. Would you believe I’ve got nothing to chauffeur It?
Bought some shoes in Holland and took up tap dancing. Now I’ve clogged up my sink.
Sold a lot of feathers and now I’m a quillionaire.
I was juggling small tea cakes and accidentally hit my girlfriend in the face. Truly, hell hath no fury like a woman sconed.
Got a piece of cod drunk by frying it in beer. Now it’s totally battered.
I definitely don’t want my bride to have a long train on her wedding dress. Two carriages, max.
I used to be totally against jackets made of fleecy leather, but I must admit after trying one on my opinion was suede.
Came home to find a load of middle eastern market stalls in my garden. How bazaar.
I filmed this here interview and performance with the rather brilliant Ed Sheeran for my presenter pal Aissetou’s blog. He’s quite disgustingly talented, and a nice person too, so I expect massive global success before too long.
Just in case anyone wants to predict something other than the football results, I’ve set up an interactive webcam feed to Paul the Psychic Octopus. Yes, THE psychic octopus.
You can ask him to use his INCREDIBLE AND DEFINITELY REAL POWERS for whatever you want (preferably not for evil, though).
Around this time last year we (by which I mean Team Popcorn Comedy) made a short, no-budget rap video starring Doc Brown, Hood Sportz.
A lot of people seemed to like it, and we really enjoyed working with Doc, so it was absolutely brilliant when BBC Comedy asked us to make four more, only this time with a bit of budget.
This afternoon I came across some of the really early concept work I did in Jan/Feb for a couple of the videos and it was really interesting seeing how those ideas had translated into the final versions six months later.
Well, I found it interesting anyway.
For Handz Up, Kanye West and Busta Rhymes were big influences:
And for Jimmy Wiggz (superbly directed by Barry Pilling) there was obviously more than a touch of the Puff Daddy…
Well, I’m half way through my new year’s resolution to pun every day in 2010 and it’s going about 180 days better than any other new year’s resolution I’ve ever made before. That said, June was the hardest month so far, so fingers crossed I’ll get a second wind. Come on brain, let’s have some inspiration for July’s #punliners…
1st-30th June
Hairy insects that pupate in volcanos often end up as moulting larvae.
I cheated on Wonder Woman with Supergirl, then on Supergirl with Buffy. And all because of my heroine addiction.
I had to dash, but hit my colon on the side of a posh trophy. It brought me to a full stop and I slipped into a comma.
Brought up by the riverbank, yet afraid of water, he was an otter disgrace.
Vera Lynn is sick of having burgers for dinner: “Wheel meat again?!”
When gigging to an audience of cannibals, never ask them to throw their hands up.
Stressed castaways long for a massage in a bottle.
What’s wrong with air-brushing? I ate messy air. It’s orrible.
Can’t remember what I should do after doodling a bullet. I’m drawing a blank.
Jim Carrey tries to recruit Matthew Broderick into a shadowy organisation in new film ‘The Cabal Guy’.
Want to plot out how the size of electrostatic generator affects maximum voltage produced, but can’t find any Van de Graph paper.
“I wonder what my next guide on how to hustle people should be about?”, he con templated.
Thomas the Tank Engine hoarded all the coal because he had trouble making friends (selfish steam issues).
I’m playing ‘Earth’ in a demonstration of the Solar System. Should I make up the orbit as I go along or planet properly?
I howled with rage after being beaten by my girlfriend in an online algebra exam. Totally e-maths ululated.
Gordon Brown is devoted.
Davy Crockett once pierced his ear and shoved his head in a pork pie, misinterpreting a request to see some ‘pioneering spirit’.
Robot 1: Did you just emit a noxious gas as a byproduct of extracting pure iron from its ore? Robot 2: Whoever smelt it…
Someone’s embroidered insults over the Bayeux Tapestry. How crewel.
Ewww, don’t touch the blacksmith’s son, he’s got the metallurgy.
Rubbing fresh garlic onto a coarse sweater doesn’t actually ward off vampires. It’s another case of the hemp aura’s new cloves.
Illustrating a children’s story about a drunken rabbit pool hustler. A regular beer tricks potter.
Looking out of my fishfinger helicopter, getting a Birds Eye view.
Mass was wondering when gravity would arrive: ‘Why do you always make me weight?’
Scientists have built a sentient robot using exoskeletons from creative crabs. The first genuine arty fish shell intelligence.
Invited Edgar Allan Poe to an all-night acid house party in an aviary, but it turns out he doesn’t like raven.
Two weeks investigating the Case of the Unrestrained Canines and still no leads.
I threw a party in a deciduous tree, but no-one came (it wasn’t poplar).
Betting on which lamb will jump the highest is a big gambol.
Trying to make a lightweight, yet solid, cloth-covered sun hat, but someone keeps sabotaging me. Are they taking the pith?
Ahh, the Glamour Awards nonsense. Much as my sympathies lay with Patrick Stewart, neither of them came off well and it ended up being terribly awkward. And then James Corden showed us his belly, which he really does far too much. So I made a silly thing.
Three months of #punliners and still not missed a day. Definitely the longest I’ve ever stuck to a New Year’s resolution. It helps that it’s a very silly one.
1st – 31st March 2010:
My pride may never be this wounded again, and I’m not even that old! Guess I piqued too soon.
There’s been another murder: the victim was battered to death with a melted clock. Must be the work of a surreal killer.
Started a campaign encouraging tourism to the South-West coast. Not got many members yet, possibly as no celebrities in Dorset.
God Save The Queen(‘s English):
At some point, most light criminals will have passed through the prism system.
Went to see a variety show where the acts came on without being introduced. It was beyond compere.
Bought a rubbish guitar as I couldn’t pick a good one.
Saw my mate stir frying on a glacier, I thought, “You’re woking on thin ice.”
“Are there any local singing groups I can join?”, he gently in-choired.
Tried embroidering some jokes on a cushion cover, but it wasn’t the right material.
Pirate with a very, very thin wooden leg: Long John Sliver.
Onions love each other shallot.
“I AM going to prison,” he said with conviction.
The foreman’s insistence that his crane crew all wear Medieval coats was to be his undoing – hoisted by his own tabard.
Just found out I’m getting my own herd of well-trained African antelope. No gnus like good gnus.
Depressed teenage witches have problems self-charming.
Stole a case of goldschläger and now I’m full of gilt.
What do David Irving and opaque tights have in common? They’re both big deniers.
Got my hand stuck in a NES. It broke. Inconsolable.
She got engaged for money, not love. He was her financé.
He apologised for his chronic fear of travelling above ground in abasement.
I was in the middle of robbing the bakery when the police arrived. Caught, bread handed.
Eating lots of thin bent wire at the moment. It’s my staple diet.
“Something tells me we’re getting close to Notre Dame.” “Oh yes?” “Just a hunch.”
Keep catching my friend sucking light bulbs. He might be a lampire.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s getting married and the music as he walks down the aisle be Bach.
Someone hit me with a bottle of dry champagne, savage brut.
I’m up in Manchester for two weeks doing a placement with Radio 4 Drama (a blog for another day), and doing my best to make the most of it. I had just over an hour to dash round the Museum of Science and Industry (MOSI) this weekend, which wasn’t nearly long enough to Do It Properly, but was still more than enough time to see a whole bunch of cool stuff.
For those who haven’t been, it’s arranged into five main buildings/ zones. A bit like the Crystal Maze except with more massive aircraft and fewer automatic lock ins. I went to the Air & Space Hall and saw four things that sent me straight to wikipedia.
1) Kamikaze plane: the Ohka (‘piloted bomb’) Type 11
Now, I’d obviously HEARD about Japanese kamikaze pilots in WW2, suicide bombers using their planes as weapons. What I hadn’t realised until I saw this was that the planes were specifically manufactured for that very reason.
Ohka/11 - the Bates Motel of aircraft
In the back of my mind I’d always thought that perhaps it was a tactic originally improvised in the heat of battle by one brave/crazy pilot, and a load of others followed suit and it become a phenomenon. I had no idea it was such a premeditated strategy to the point of working out how much bomb you could fit in a purpose built plane and still have room to strap in a pilot to make sure it hit the target. Truly chilling.
Wikipedia bonus fact: the United States nicknamed the plane baka (Japanese for ‘idiot’).
2) Ejector seat
From Tailspin to Top Gun, ejector seats have been in my imagination since I knew what a plane was.
Being face to face with an actual ejector seat that was actually used by someone, full size and about a metre from me, I could finally start to begin to appreciate for the first time just how FLIPPING SCARY it must be getting SHOT out of a very badly damaged plane THOUSANDS of feet in the air travelling at HUNDREDS of miles per hour praying that nothing goes wrong (Goose!). It is not a large seat. I would demand at least double that amount of straps and hooks.
Wikipedia bonus fact: in 1995 the Russians only went and fitted an ejector seat to a flippin HELICOPTER. Really.
3) Sinclair C5
Before this my only knowledge of Sinclair was as an old school computer company. And by ‘this’, I mean THIS:
You don't even need a driving license. Fact.
So just put your knees over this bit, and, err, steer?
It turns out that in 1985 Sir Clive churned out this mad electric tricycle for THE FUTURE, with a frankly confusing (at least at first glance) under-knee steering system and a top speed of 15mph. It was supposed to go on the road and change the world, but ended up being an epic commerical fail because (possibly justifiably) no-one wanted to go toe-to-toe with a lorry and die.
Also was made from the largest single piece of injection moulded plastic at the time. It’s very plasticky. Kept expecting to see an Apple logo stamped on the side.
Wikipedia bonus fact:a heavily modified version took the speed record for an electric vehicle at 150mph, and you can pick them up for £500-£1000 on ebay. Very, very tempted.
4) Martin Conquest trike
The one I saw was red. Red ones go faster, right?
At first glance I thought this was some kind of military vehicle, or something hardcore bikers would upgrade to when normal bikes weren’t powerful enough and they wanted to approach the speed of sound. The truth, I discovered, is far, far cooler.
It’s a trike for wheelchair users. A big, powerful, commercially available, road legal trike for folk in wheelchairs with a top speed of 115mph.
I can't even imagine how exciting it must be to get this for your birthday
It’s stuff like this that makes me proud to be British and proud to live in the 21st century. Can’t wait to see one blaze past me on the M11. (Y’know, the hypothetical next time I decide to go to Cambridge in a car.)
Wikipedia bonus fact: there isn’t a separate entry for this, but English motorcycle stuntman Eddie Kidd, after being seriously injured, got involved using one in 2007.
Pics downloaded from the Martin Conquest site (the ones I took were well blurry).
5) That’s it
I wish I’d had time to see more and continue having my mind blown, but at least it gives me a reason to visit again.
Until then, if anyone spots an electric space tricycle helicopter with an ejector seat, let me know.
I’ll just be over here, practising taking photos that don’t suck.
