Stabbed by a black and white checked knife – it’s left a ska.

Uncontrollable quacking isn’t a disease, it’s a mallardy.

My friend made a fortune investing in Magners and Strongbow shares – think there may have been some in cider trading.

“If I keep eating all these cereal grains apparently it won’t be long before I turn into one!” he said with a rye smile.

While interviewing for someone to help me maintain my stately homes, I was accidentally rude. They told me to mind my manors.

Saw REM setting up a circular domed tent with a hole in the roof. I guess everybody yurts sometimes.

Whenever the subject of his clipped wings came up, Freddie Falcon would fall silent – clearly it was still a soar subject.

Saw a big amphibious reptile running a branch of Costco. Thought it was an aggregator, but turned out to be a stockodile.

Drunk musicians play champagne flutes.

“It’s like lactose intolerance.” “Is that an allergy?” “No, it’s a simile.”

Dropped a ream of semi-transparent paper in the ocean and it sank without a trace.

“Is it your turn to spin the helicopter blades?” “Err, let me check the rota.”

This guy phoned up saying he’s a qualified, respected teacher and could train me to be a ninja, but I think it’s non-sensei-call.

As a child I hoped to understand the collective unconscious and achieve self realisation. Now I’ve given up on my Jung dreams.

Orchestra + thunderstorm + open air copper stadium = bad idea. The maestro’s silver baton only made it worse; a lethal conductor.

My friend reckoned he could run up a moving staircase the fastest. I disagreed violently and things only escalated from there.

“Billy the Kid just rode into town and fell off his horse.” “Stirrup trouble?” “Not yet, but give him half a chance.”

Sauron’s handbag was taken in by Middle-Earth police as part of an ongoing investigation. It’s an accessory to Mordor.

I pretended that my friend could speak to his mates through me, but he said he’s had enough of my phone-y behaviour.

When grieving I spend a lot of time under canvas canopies. I know it seems strange, but what can I say? I’m awning.

When I arrived a guy in a red shirt offered to park my car. He drove it into a canyon. That’s the last time I use valley parking.

The costumes for one of the most glam West End musicals arrived via container ship today. I love chic cargo.

I knew as I stole Death’s pillow there’d be reaper cushions.

The Michael Jackson vegetable diet: “Just Beet It”

The kid from Home Alone now works making boats watertight by sealing their lumber with parrot droppings. He’s macaw-ly caulking.

Is that owl plotting with some 13th century Peruvians? Yes, it’s Inca hoots.

“I met an ocean today.” “Pacific was it?” “Quite violent actually.”

Made too much sauce for dessert, so my mate Rev. Spooner brought his mongrel dog round to help. He really mutts the custard!

I once fell out with my parents after accidentally flooding their card game mid-bid, but it’s all water under the bridge now.

—

What’s your favourite?