It’s the start of September! I’m two thirds of the way through my year long pun-a-thon (can you tell I’m counting down the days?). Here’s what happened in August:
1st-31st August
Two ladies are fighting over a precious gem. From the way their rapiers are flashing it looks like it may be a deadly jewel.
My university tutors always stared a bit too long at the female students in the lecher theatre.
“I plan to have gruesome pumpkins for Halloween.” “I tried that last year, but had to dig up the herb garden to make room.”
Launched a website that compares you to the main character in Legally Blonde – lots of people are visiting the You Are Elle.
Architects don’t like to draw attention to their floors.
A vengeful ex threw fried potato at my nautical-themed home, damaging the entrance. Talk about having a chip on your shoal door.
Working at the local pub, Sister Beatrice quickly became employee of the month – easily the best bar nun.
As soon as I walked into the pub I knew it wouldn’t be a pleasant place to spend the night. How? Inn stinked.
A German discount supermarket chain now sells pack animals for food. What’s your stance on this more Aldi llama?
Went to a Gaelic dance on a remote farm where the caller played a tiny four-stringed guitar. Who doesn’t love a yokel céilidh?
Some say he likes girls who play with fire. Others say he likes girls with dragon tattoos. All we know is he’s called The Stieg.
An irate Barbie kicked Ken right in his neither regions.
Larry and Moe loved their Plato and Socrates costumes, but Curly wasn’t fooled for a second: “Wise guise, eh?”
“On a recent trip to the fjords I found a frozen Norse god trapped in a glacier.” “Thor?” “Maybe in spring.”
Recently I drove along the roads near where I grew up – it’s important to remember your routes.
I asked the wainwright if it was time to reinforce the wheel, but I spoke too soon.
While living in Germany I developed a phobia of the number 4. Sometimes I’m overwhelmed by vier.
I find untamed nature confusing. Bewilderness is hard.
Being yeast must pay well – was chatting to some the other day and found out they’re rolling in dough and due for a raise.
My time travelling friend is always living in the future and the past. For his birthday I got him a brand new present.
I’ve made a new kind of rough fabric out of deer hide and want to name it after you, my love. It’s a hart felt gesture.
The army once tried camoflaging infantry as priests. I managed to pick up one of the uniforms at a military surplice store.
Since arriving from Rome in early Autumn, Julius failed to make many friends at his new school – he came, he saw, he conkered.
I’ve been driving Stephen King’s books everywhere for months. Would you believe I’ve got nothing to chauffeur It?
Bought some shoes in Holland and took up tap dancing. Now I’ve clogged up my sink.
Sold a lot of feathers and now I’m a quillionaire.
I was juggling small tea cakes and accidentally hit my girlfriend in the face. Truly, hell hath no fury like a woman sconed.
Got a piece of cod drunk by frying it in beer. Now it’s totally battered.
I definitely don’t want my bride to have a long train on her wedding dress. Two carriages, max.
I used to be totally against jackets made of fleecy leather, but I must admit after trying one on my opinion was suede.
Came home to find a load of middle eastern market stalls in my garden. How bazaar.
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